Monday, March 31, 2008 @1:29 PM
*a comfortable shoulder.
a warm hand.
a Hug that doesnt wish to let go.
Sunday, March 30, 2008 @12:13 AM
Hmms. One week since i updated my blog. Sorry that i havent been replying all e taggies. cos im kinda "lazy" and "tired" to get in to my Blog. but i guess there're still some ppl who tag which i dono who but thanks for entering this blog.
Hmms. so ya. never been good this few days, weeks, mths. all i have in my heart was Heavy. really Heavy. and no one will know how i feel. just like what i told terry and yuping. no one will ever know how i feel, seriously. even thou some ppl kept saying 'i know how u feel'. but all i can still say is "no one will ever know how i feel". and during worship today, i really turn out into brust. tears like no body business. and Tears=Pimple. *FYI, i will. pimple will pop out when i tears very bad. so u'll see my face having pimple nowsaday. and e Burden, e Pain, e sickness, e worries, e fear, e lonelyness, e tiredness, e disappointment, Connect Grp, e things that im facing now IS really pushing me more and more towards Heaven. But what can i really do but to put a Smile and pretend nth have happen? its really hard, u know. all this, i really dono. u doesnt know what im gg thru now. and just like what i said, no one know how i feel, just no one.
and im really tired.. but who on earth will not get tired? everyone get tired. im trying to find back myself. doing great things for Him, a CGC, serving Him, a Relationship w Him. in e outside when people look i was like 'having' all this, but in my inside u doesnt know. and now that's e reason to e question which ppl usually asked "rise-up"?. i know myself. i'll sure fall de. even now just a CGC and im falling. and this time round im really falling just that i don dare to ask for 'step down'. and i really feel down when i don even know how to encourage cheer up her when she's facing e same feeling as me. i really feel bad cos everytime when im down, she's e one who encouarge me up. and now, i really doesnt know. everything was really a bomb and i really don even want to go on le.
and yea. i've called to
cancel e appt that i needed to go for e couselling. e med are really scary nah. sometime i'll even try to skip e meal of avoiding e med. or pretend that there's no med in my bag. i don even tot of gg for e scanning cos why cares when e person who is closest to u doesnt cares about u? i know that frens out there are still caring for me but i feel bad that i gave em e worries. but aiyo. come on. sure nth will happen de la. He~llo! im so "Healthy". but i don deny that im worry. worry sure cfm have le but life still gonna go on. if you're my frens, pls don ask me to go for e scanning.
*a HEAVY Heart that no one will know how it feel. Sunday, March 23, 2008 @8:42 AM
Sorry that i've made u all worries about me. and i promise i'll try to stop worry about my condition. i appreciated that u all are ard me. i feel so bad that i making some of u worry about me. i promise that i'll not do sth silly. but Thank You Rae for wanting to bless me w e scanning fee. but i decided not to go for e couselling and scanning. or even maybe e next check-up in 3 mth later. u can say i stubborn or anything, i just doesnt want to know anything. i just wan to run away from this.
*e pain in my heart is really pain. no one could ever understand. Thursday, March 20, 2008 @8:56 PM
Hmms. what can i do now? thoughts to myself, rather spent all those expenses on cumbble bag and stuff that i wanna den to spent it on those. if i never spent on those den i can buy 5 cumbble bag!!! medicine are so scary. one big pack. one word in my mind, 'crazy!' medicine, scanning, couselling, ear check-up. got use? no right? its cureless according to doc. irritating sound. 1% chances of getting Brain-Tumor? what's that? never heard of e word before. *a big shock when i heard it. thou i may not know what issit but i know it sth not good cos e doc e reaction like diff lor. and ask me don worries. 1% means got nah.
Hmms. But thanks Terry for acc. w/o him acc me i think i will be lost. thanks for all e blessing that he've blessed me. and thanks Yuzhen, Aunty Ruby and Edmund also, for encourage me. i'll try not to worry. i dono ar. but think of it, i dono what to do. just a word, 'worry'. no one know how it feel. and i don feel like going to do e scanning and stuff but 3 mths times need to go back again and 2 weeks time need to go for that couselling. Ya, firstly is money wise and result wise. all e fear is covering my trust.
and Easter is tmr. what am i doing? just feel like taking a break. everything is just like a BANG! CGC?
*Smile but yet worries in my heart. Wednesday, March 19, 2008 @10:00 AM
Hmms. im sick again!! SICKNESS, PLEASE GO AWAY! irritating. arg! its terrible! im weak in my whole body but still i gonna try standing up cos gonna go reg my hnitec. and tmr check up. am i excited? cos 1st time. if im, i think im mad! Ya, i trust in Him but yet im fear. fear in myself. and Easter, just 2 days away!! man! i got 0 fren, i feel super bad! haiis. many many things running thru my mind again.
*when things hit me, i'll fall. Tuesday, March 18, 2008 @9:51 AM
Hmms. well! in case anyone dono. This Fri is EASTER le! i believe everyone should know bah. if dono, REPENT! 3 more days. Harvest is Here! Is time where we can invite our frens, our family members and our Loves one. we want them to get save. and when we go to Heaven. we'll see them in Heaven! They sure will get touch by e drama de. i cfm chop chop. If u Love Your Family, Frens and Your Loves one. why wait? start inviting now! NOW IS E TIME!
and meanwhile, i Believe all Connect Grp will Breakthru during this time of Easter! and frens are gonna stay. Lets do a Super Great Job! Tgt we work as a team and run e race w one family! i believe! i can see it! If we can see it, we can have it! Yea? Lets endure!!
Hmms. and this few days. been dreaming of werid dreams which i do not know why. ytd i dream of quitting my job. yea, i want quit my job and it happen in my dream but e quitting is werid cos got liink to my ah ma which i dono why also. and e day before ytd also, dream a super werid dream which i cant imgaging ar. but i cant tell ar. *secret. seriously ehh, im thinking, how come will i dream of this?? oh my! but all this dreams i doesnt want. e most desire in my heart is to Dream of "Jesus". (: so Jesus, i welcome You into my Dreams.
*w/o Faith issit impossible to Please Him. Sunday, March 16, 2008 @9:34 PM
Hmms. i can say that this week msg is really for me. serious. and thru this period of time. i really struggle alot in my heart while serving God but im still doing what im doing. becoming a CGC, doing follow up, doing what i never done before when i 1st step in. or even, im thinking of giving up my CGC. cos u doesnt know how i feel. serving God while have an heart that is Lost. but cannot nah, i must stay firm. and stay close to Him. get my heart and mind right. i cant serve God w an down attitude. i still rmb i made a committment to Him. but what im doing right now, its doesnt matter. cos God is e one who Promote me. i must not fear man but God! why believe those irritating devil and people that said to me? rmb ytd Pst Phil said "whatever i act on, i strengthen it!".
Hmms. and this week gonna have a long break. im off from 'wed-sun'. 5 days off. woah~ Thank God don need call this 5 days. btw. FYI, from data-entry become calling-entry. Sians loads loads. my collegue ask me go sue e boss cos im data-entry not calling-entry nah! but am i that clever to whole day kept calling? of cos no. i play 'mahjong' and others online games. and next week gonna be my last week of work for sure. i DON CARE, i wanna quit le and back to sch! am i happy? aiyo. werid. when study i wan work, but when working i wan go sch. But dono if got study and get paid de mah? Lets see how bah.
Hmms. alrights. wed will be gg to reg for my course, gonna paid $279 for my sch fee. thats ALOT. and im PAYING! arg! and Thurs, appt at SGH, don feel like gg, seriously. dono what's e result nah. but anw, don wanna care much. if really got sth happen. aiya. think too much! den fri-sun, EASTER! and beside that, fri YUPING is FLYING BACK! i MISS my DOUBLE C!
*Heal e Heart that is inside of me. @12:18 AM
Hmms. today is Pst Phip. and during e whole svc, i doesnt know why. His Presence is there. even Praise and everything. i just feel His Presence. and i can say that today msg is for me. Yes, its me! e burden, e trouble, e sadness, e things that im gg thru right now. its descrideable. and it has been dwelling in me for e longest. living in a double life period is hard. everything that im gg thru right now, its e devil. devil is pushing me away from God. But, i NOT gonna let e devil hit me! i must stand firm!
and after svc went PM. den went dinner w Terry Papa. and went Billy Bombers! and we share. wanna to Bless him but i doesnt know he take out his POSE card le den i was like, ok. e payment was quite a shocking cos we doesnt have to go to e counter and pay. plus we paid by nets. *can u imaging that? so yea. Thank u for e Blessing.
and yea. he went over to his aunt house and stay at tanah merah. so was talking thru e whole journey. and we talk sth. thou we feel e same way. but lets jiayou ar. this family thou is not e same as our w220. but still, we gonna go on. we may not know what may happen soon but i know that we once have a "FamilyThatLoves".
*renew this life within. Thursday, March 13, 2008 @11:32 PM
Hmms. Been thinking here and there recently. ehh, i should rephrase it. its this starting of e year! i've a double-life. a double kim that u all cant see. who is really e actual me? years started w not a good life for me. been thinking and thinking and cant get rid off. no one knows except myself and God. share w no one e ever deepest in me. feel so down. nothing could just cheer me up, nothing.
a diff me that no one can figure out. But Life still gonna go on. i cant live a double life. outside of me and inside is totally diff. and i really cant take it anymore, just couldnt go on. have to ask myself what am i thinking? use verses and verses to remind myself but still failed. and today during CGM, i know e words that they share ARE for me and tears and tears are flowing down. what is gg on? my heart is soft but yet hard. i can see im doing great things for Him but yet on e another side, what happen? But give me just some time, my dear frens.
Hmms. and today, shared Offering msg e 1ST time. and was quite disappointed nah. i can do betta den that! but just forget e msg i wanna share suddenly and yet gonna look at e paper. and i've no courage, i've no Boldness! heart was beating real fast. one of my weakness is "lack of boldness". ask myself this question, "what's my strength?" and im thinking, do i have?
Hmms. But still. Thank God! my ever ever Joy in my life! Daddy God, Thank You for everything. i prayed, O God! contiune to protect Him and guide Him thru this walk w You. and one thing i know is His Life will surely Change by You! and i know, One day, when i go to Heaven, i can meet him there! Thank You Jesus for answering my Prayers! i've nothing to say but JOY w tears.
*am i strong? Monday, March 10, 2008 @11:57 AM
How to serve Him if i have a Broken-down heart?
How to serve Him w/o Trusting in Him?
How to serve Him w/o relying on Him instead on my own flesh?
How to serve Him if im still staying in my own comfort zone?
How to serve Him if i still hold on to e past?
How to serve Him where i don even Step out?
How to serve Him when CG members is down and i dono how to encourage them?
How to serve Him when my heart have a hole?
How to serve Him when my own Connect Group doesnt grow?
How to serve Him when im afraid of sharing in e CG?
How to serve Him when i don even know what's my Vision and Purpose in Him?
How to serve Him when everything i face now, i keeping to myself only?
How to serve Him when now i just feel like Crying Out Loud.
*HOW?*
think about it and go reflect about it bah. i cant serve God when i've Heart that is down. and its suspose to be JOYFUL.
And Easter is 11 days more. gonna fast and really pray that frens will come. not just come but intergate into e House of God also ar. not e numbers but e soul. im burden, worries, afraid, fear. all this are negative. and i know i shouldnt have an negative mind. w/o Faith it is impossible to Please Him! Daddy God. help me do e impossible. i cant do anything but just to Fast and Pray and invite!
*Heal my broken Heart.
Sunday, March 09, 2008 @11:55 PM
CeLeste want to ask herself some question:
- did she really step out on her own comfort zone to really accept that she've a new CG since last year Nov?
- did she really still hold on to e past where w220 is still tgt. where she find that a Family that really Loves.
- did she really get over it?
What happen alrdy happen le. i cant do anything much. w220 has been combined with w362 think gg to 1 year le and multiply last year, Nov! and yea. still, gonna Thank God for e multipication and really Thank God for all e Little Little Blessing that He have given me, seriously. They're a Blessing to me. a Spiritual family that i cant find any where else betta.
To all my Beloved W220: i cant forget w220 but Life still gonna go on. we cant remain as w220 always and always. we need to multiply someday. we need to rise up. we may not be in e same CG but we have one and ONLY same Heavenly Father. and our Spirit is Link Heart to Heart lor. no matter where we go, Our heart will link tgt. But really miss those day. Miss e Lovely People. and wanna tell those people still ard that no matter what, lets Serve and Love God with all our heart. we gonna put God 1st in every suitation in our life. and nothing can say how much i love u guyz but Thank You.
~JiaHui: Thank You for bringing me to this family and Loving me. and most imply is to get to know Daddy God. always there to encourage me. w me during my up and downs. You're e Best CGL and i ALWAYS LOVE YOU!. ~Huiwen: Thank You for being my mummy and guiding me all along. Thanks for all e encouragement and cards that u wrote. ~Jessica: Thanks for being such a Lovelys Sista always. and yea, contiune to grow in e Lord and serve Him tgt. Lets grow tgt! ~Valerie: Thanks for everything too. miss those day we're out tgt. and from all this day, can see e changes in u. from a small gal and now Pretty gal le and serving God always. ~SL: thank You! My Lovelys SL! times passes and i enjoy e foto we took and e days i've w u. and thats i'll keep it in my heart. ~Joshua: Thank You for being such a nice bro too, serving God always w/o fail in usher and CG. and in Your studies. don over study ar, must rest well also. ~Terry: Thank You, PaPa. thou im in e same CG as u now, and really thank for all e encouragement that u give and appreciated everything u do. nothing can express but You're wonderful PaPa! ~Edmund: Thank You too! same CG too, and yea. contiune to serve God. want become guitarlist hor. can de nah. and just like what u say, we sure will multiply someday again and we'll still not in e same CG but same CHURCH!
Hmms. seriously. i gonna let go and step out of my own comfort zone. i'll try but still w220 is always in my heart. i dono what will happen next but still life go on. and really ar, Thank God for everything. Yea? (: Hmms. and appreaciate Yuping for e call! suppose to talk but end up talk CG stuff but no matter what will happen next, i believe our relationship will still there ar. i believe this is a 'chop' le. no matter what e result, we'll still keep in contact. but in our heart, we really hope... so yea.
*nothing can change my Love for them.
Saturday, March 08, 2008 @11:49 PM
There's nothing i can say in my heart now. nothing. i really miss 2 people now. a person who i never see it for a long time since last year. a person who i really love. a person who i really shed tears and tears for. wondering and thoughts is running around my mind. what is his reaction when he saw e letter? will he reply? will i be able to see him again? some ppl told me is 5 years that is about when im 22 years old. by then, how will he become and how will i become? i wish and i hope that i've e courage to go visit him. i really really miss him. *all im waiting now is his letter.
another person is e one who is really there for me. and u're away for 1 weeks le. and 2 more weeks and u're back! im waiting. i told myself that time will pass real fast, by then, Easter reach le and that's e time that u're back! i appreciated ur call and smses when u're there. it mean alot to me. seriously. when i heard ur voice, im happy but im crying in e public. and u'll crying too. i really thank God for Blessing You into my life. This friendship that we have, i know for sure, it alrdy 'chop'. im not sure whether u'll see this post but i still wanna say "In times that we're not tgt or see each other. Our Spirit will link heart to heart just like what u've said. e tears that we shed its worth den everything. e times that we have, thou is short but i really appreciated a person like u. I Miss You Badly."
and e most impt person who i really MISS and LOVE is Daddy God. i told myself that He's here right now w me. thou i feel lonely right now at home alone w one stranger. but Daddy God is in my room right now. w me. Thank You for Your Presence, Thank You for Loving me, Thank You for Your everything. I just Love You. nothing can express my Love for You but i Love You from e bottom of my Heart. i want to serve You. e Promotion come from You. I want to Put You FIRST in My Life, in everything, in every suitation that im facing now.
*Its not just a normal song but it mean everything from e bottom of my heart. Sunday, March 02, 2008 @12:35 AM
Hmms. not again, Daddy God? i seriously have nth to say but i know everything have a reason. good and bad. good cos its good. bad cos its bad. april? can we skip april or rather can we skip last year april and June and nov and all this thing would never happen?*(if u're clever u'll know what im talking about during this period of time). and nothing really nothing can push me up again when i heard e news. Ya, in my flesh its say 'ok' but in my heart i was like Daddy God, 'not again'. and things are gonna come and crush away in my heart again. why? how come? those who i build e relationship on, strong and steady and again gonna apart. who can i really turn to? when e one is "seprating" from me, when e one who i really share things with, when e one who really encourage me, when e one who i sometime will feel irritated when e one always mention e other person but just for a moment will be alright, when e one who i really trust in, when e one who i can just 'bhb' with, when e one who i'll act childish with, when e one who i really sometime can show e real me. and Daddy God. no one will know how it feel. breakness when i heard it again.
*Daddy God. if it is according to Your will, i'll follow. Saturday, March 01, 2008 @12:40 AM
Dear Heavenly Father. i thank You for everything. im sorry for everything that is unplease to You. Daddy God. You know my every single thing in my heart. Daddy God. im sad im down im burden im discourage im disappointed im tired im stress im sick, all this You know You know. Daddy God. im tearing of all this thing. and You know i feel so loney every night. but i din know that You're always beside me. when im tired, its You are e one who piggyback me. i'll never be alone cos You're w me. Daddy God, if i have a chance i really really really want to Hug You. i can imgaging that You're hugging me now. Your Love for me. Your Blessing You have pour out on me. Your Joy for me. Daddy God. all i want to say that is "I LOVE YOU" and i really mean it from e bottom of my heart. Daddy God! Bring me to e place where only You and me alone. and Daddy God, once again i lift everything into Your Lovelys Hand. Amen!*
Oh Lord, My God. All i Desire is You. You're more Precious than sliver and gold.
